I'm just gonna start right ahead with the posts and just write whatever I want.
This, right here, feels like good. I feel like I like who I am. I don’t need validation from others or from a relationship. I am comfortable with who I am. I’m not perfect. I got mad today and flipped {person} off and I punched the wall and was badmouthing him and his car and I was really mad. But I wasn’t mad at him, I was mad at the old feelings and habits that were resurfacing as a result of him being around. It’s not his fault, or mine. Just a challenge. Something to work on. “Offering grace.” I apologized to {person} for my behavior and I’m going to work on breaking habits. I need to work on constantly looking out for him and {other person}. I don’t need to do things just in case they see because I don’t care if they see or what they would think of me if they did. Their opinions aren’t relevant to me. I do things because I want to. I can walk with confidence because I am confident. Confident in myself, not in spite of others. Well, not *just* in spite of others. I dye my hair for me because I like the way that it looks. I wear my clothes and my makeup because it makes me happy, not because of what others might think of me. Or at least I need to work on that mentality. I am my own being, not reliant on the validation of others. I don’t need to be noticed in order to exist. I do exist. I can exist how I want, as loudly or as softly as I want, whenever and wherever I want because I can. I exist so much! And I am such an amazing existence. I appreciate my existence. Wow. That’s a thought I’ve never had before. That’s a fucking milestone right there. Damn! Damn Jess! Freshman “Jessica” got nothing on Senior Jess! This is what we call growth! Another milestone today was that I took back an inappropriate apology. I had apologized for “being in a weird mood” but then I took back the apology because I said “I don’t need to apologize for being happy.” I just need patience. I do think I’m over him. At least right now, I don’t love him and that’s kind of a weird thought. Thinking back to my “beginning” of school video from last year when I said that he was my soulmate and that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I was sixteen. We hadn’t even been together 6 months. I was naive. But that’s okay. Everyone has a love like that I think. It sucks and it’s shitty but it happens. It’s human I don’t love him and I love myself. That’s a huge fucking difference from last year. I am independent. I am strong. I am flawed. My brain isn’t perfect. It yells at me a lot and says a lot of mean things to me and sometimes it’s too loud for me to ignore, but I’m getting better at drowning it out. I’m learning and slowly becoming how I’m supposed to be. I have scars all over and still have self-destructive and suicidal tendencies, and I don’t know if any of those will ever go away, but I’m still so much better than i was. So much better than I ever have been. But that’s the difference right now. Before it always felt like “better” but better is a relative term. There’s always a better. But this feels like “good.” Good is good. And that's all for today. See ya next time. Love, Jess
0 Comments
|
JessWelcome to the quote "blog" unquote, written by me, Jess. |