Hello friends. It's been a while. I'm not sure why I haven't written for a while. I've been kind of busy but ya know, I always can find time to binge rewatch entire shows. I'm not sure why I've been kind of avoiding this but I want to try and get back into it in 2019.
I've kind of been afraid of setting goals, I think. This is normally the part of the (school) year where everything starts to go downhill. But that's why my word for this year is "Maintain." My teacher/mentor/favorite person in the world always has a word that she tries to make sort of a theme for each year. I don't think I've ever had a set word but this year I wanted to try. My only real goal that I could think of was based off of the past three years I guess. For the past three years, the beginning of the school year, like August through December have been relatively pretty good. But then, January everything that I set up in those previous months starts to fall apart and then by April/May, my mental health is at its lowest. My only real goal that I want to set is that I don't want to repeat that pattern anymore. I'm going to work on being brave enough to set more specific goals later, but this is the main one. So, it took me a bit to find the right word for that. The word that I came up with is "Maintain." Even if I'm not in the best headspace I've ever been in right now, I want to maintain where I am right now and not let it decline so that I don't have to start over from square one. Even if I can't be constantly moving upward, I just want to not go downhill. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. Also, it's kind of a multipurpose word, because another more specific goal I have for myself is that I need to learn how to take better care of myself. I'm not very good at that. I don't eat that much just because I really don't want to, even though I know that it's something I need to do in order to keep living. I need to get better about taking my medication regularly, drinking water and getting more sleep. I've learned a lot and developed a lot of tools for taking care of my mental health, now I need to take care of the vessel that contains my mentality. So that's me "maintaining" myself. I've been doing okay with this goal so far, I'm happy with how I've been doing. It definitely needs some work but even the small things that I'm doing are a step in the right direction and I'm proud of myself for that. I think that's all for today. Hopefully I'll be more active on here but I'm going to be managing my expectations about posting stuff. Thanks pals. You are all valued and so so fiercely loved. Love, Jess
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I was recently inspired by a video that my favorite youtuber posted called “A Little Over 100 facts”
It also reminds me of the thing we do at school where we “speak our truths.” We go around in a circle and speak something that’s true. It can be anything it just has to be true. This video seemed like the same thing only on a bigger scale and I wanted to write a blog post that was something similar. Here’s some facts
Fact- I didn't do that on purpose. Love, Jess I've written a lot about my own personal progress on this blog but I'm not going to apologize for that because it feels good to put this self-positivity out into the universe.
I looked back today. I have a folder of selfies in my phone and I scrolled through them for no reason in particular and I watched my hair go from short and red, to only half shaved, to dirty blonde, a bob cut, then back to the og longggg ass hair. I looked back at old instagram posts that I've since archived. I looked back at who I was and then I took a look at who I am now. I've been dealing with depression since 7th grade and up until fairly recently, I've put so so so so much pressure on myself to be happy. And that made everything so much worse. I made myself feel guilty for not being happy and that just made me that much more miserable. I was so co-dependent that everyone around me felt guilty for not being able to fix me and that put me into the mentality that I simply couldn't be fixed, which I continued to make myself feel guilty for and the cycle went on. I honestly think that I'll always have some depression in my brain. We'll probably continue to try to fix it completely but I don't think it'll ever go away. But I'm okay with that. I've accepted it as one of my burdens to bear. But does that stop me? Hell no. I simply allow myself to feel how I feel. If I'm feeling depressed, that's okay. I'll be kind to myself and gently try to lift myself up. I've still got a lot of problems. I have major motivation issues and organization issues. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping a lot and being late to things. I've gotten mental self-care down pretty good, but now I need to work on physical self-care. I need to work on eating. I need to cut down on social media time. I need to stop picking at my skin. But I'm slowly working on these things in little ways that I can do every day. The other day I didn't sleep late and I left the house at a reasonable time. I was proud of myself for that. I've started wearing gloves so that I don't pick at my face so that my skin can heal. I clean my room a bit every night. I'm starting to use my self-care, habit-tracking, calorie-tracking etc. apps on my phone again. I've been listening to new music!! All by myself!! For a very very very long time I've only gotten new music from other people, which made it really hard to enjoy that music I loved once that person I cared about left. But I'm listening to new stuff and making new musical memories with myself and it feels like self-discovery, it honestly feels amazing. I also just had the realization that, although I was kind of depressed last week and it obviously hasn't been perfect, I don't think I've had any self-destructive or suicidal thoughts in a while, which is a big deal. They were always just kind of there even when I was feeling okay. But now, it's not even a thought, not even a whim. That feels like an enormous weight lifted. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying that my life is sorted and I'll never have to worry about anything ever again. But I'm so so proud of myself. I'm so proud of my progress and my brain and how I've allowed myself to become who I'm meant to be. Good Job Jess Love, Jess So, here's a thing. You dream about whatever's in your subconscious right? So your dreams kind of show what's really going on in your head right? Well, all the time, I have dreams where two certain people who have hurt me really badly in the past have come back to me and asked for forgiveness. They often want to be friends again or even be in relationships again- in these dreams.
I always agree, against my better judgement, and I always wake up guilty, even though I know that that is not how I would react if that situation were to arise in real life. However, the other day, I had another one of these dreams. The person who had hurt me a lot the most recently came back to me and wanted to get back together with me. I thought about it a lot and I think I was going to agree, but then my current boyfriend showed up. I chose my wizard. I woke up and I felt so relieved. Why, you might ask? Well, my anxiety often tells me that I'm still in love with {person} and that I'll never get over it and I'll never find love again. But then, in a dream, my subconscious chose my wizard over {person}. Now, I know for sure. I've moved on. I've found something amazing and beautiful and healthy. And it feels so good to let myself love again. Still working on forgiveness and offering grace though. Love, Jess Tonight, I've spent a few hours looking through my old writing account on like Wattpad and Writer's Cafe and it got me really nostalgic.
Before I really discovered my passion for performance, my passion was writing. I was going to be a writer when I grew up. I was in love with words. I would write constantly, all the time because it was an escape. One of my best friends and I even wrote an entire 40 chapter, 43,365 word novel when we were in 8th grade. Looking back, it was a pretty bad book but it's still crazy impressively good for a couple of 8th graders. Like, damn. But since 8th grade, or freshman year really, I lost that spark that I had for writing. I still write sometimes, but never stories or novels, only poetry. Poetry is still valid but I don't know, it feels easier and less commitment to me than it would be to take on a project like writing a book and I guess my brain wants me to take on more of that challenge. I like writing poetry. But yea, it's kind of pretty easy for me. I guess that this blog is a kind of writing project for me here. I'm challenging myself to actually write stuff on a regular basis, not just angsty depression stuff (but sometimes still angsty depression stuff lol) but I also need to work on writing positively. That was something I talked with my therapist about a while ago. I only write sad stuff because I am very fluent in sad. So when I want to write happy stuff, it sounds cheesy and fake to me, because happy is a language that I'm not very good at yet. But, the only way to get better at a language is to practice it and practice isn't always perfect. That's why it's called practice. So that's what this is: practice. Practice just getting words out of my brain, good, bad or otherwise. Hopefully I can get back into writing more regularly because I do enjoy it very much, it makes me happy and I'm excited to be able to use my words again. Love, Jess I hesitate to write this post because so many people I know read this blog and they would probably know who this is about, but I need an outlet to put these thoughts into so I'm just going to write.
I finally got my big cry out. As I said before, there has been a Big Cry sitting behind my eyes for maybe half a week and it wouldn't come out. But today, a friend was talking about her recent breakup. She was talking about how she was devastated and she felt awful about it every single day, yet she was still talking to him simply because he wanted attention and so did she. We tried to explain to her that she needed to set boundaries but she kept using phrases like "Maybe I don't want to move on." Hearing her talk like that really broke my heart. Why? Because I completely understood. I related to that feeling and that process so much and in a very very real way because of what I went through earlier this year. It completely destroyed me, not only once, but my wounds got ripped open countless times over the course of months because I failed to set boundaries to protect myself. I went through the literal stages of grief, but I had to start that process over so many times because I was given hope again, only to have it snatched away. I have moved on, but there is still an enormous scar on my heart that will take a long long time to heal. And today, when she was talking, I started crying. Because I understood how that felt and bringing back all of those awful feelings and knowing what she was going through was terrible. I know that if I had set boundaries and kept them earlier, my pain wouldn't have been as bad. It shouldn't have lasted as long as it did. He didn't treat me the way I deserve and I let it go on for far far too long. I cried for the first time in a while over that whole scenario and I begged her to learn from my mistakes and not let herself get hurt like I did. Love yourself first. People come and go, but you are always the right person for you. Don't let anyone treat you as less than you deserve. Ever. It doesn't help anyone. Love. Yourself. Love, Jess I think that a goal of this blog is just to get thoughts out but also trying to be more positive and having a space to put those positiveness, not that I need them to be validated but it just feels more productive if I'm puting positivity out in the world instead of trying to just convince myself of it.
So, brain is still struggling a bit. Last night I was super dissociated and sad. I can feel that I need to cry- there's been a big Cry sitting behind my eyes for a few days but it's like a sneeze that won't come. This morning I had a bad dream about murderers coming to my work and I woke up at 4 am with a weird feeling in my stomach and couldn't get back to sleep. Sitting there in the dark, my brain made me think about old stuff and started making my heart hurt about things that happened a long time ago. Honestly, it's not that long ago, so it's completely valid for me to sometimes still hurt about these things but it's just kind of annoying I guess. So, I was running on maybe 3 and a half hours of mediocre sleep with a spaced out brain and an aching heart that I was annoyed with for aching. But ya know what I did? I told myself, "Hey, It's okay. I know you're stressed about the stuff you need to get done and you're too sad to really get motivated to do it, But let's go shower and do some fun makeup because that makes you happy. We'll get through today as best we can. We'll do our best and our best in enough and completely valid." And thinking back, two or three years ago if I was in this mental state I would probably do something self-destructive in an attempt to get better. One year ago I would be angry with myself and try to force myself to be better and be happy. But no, today I am being patient and kind with myself. And that's a big deal, friends. My brain isn't perfect. I am imperfect. And that's perfectly okay. Ya know what, I would be boring as hell if I was perfect. No thanks. My brain is a roller coaster and sometimes it sucks but a little crazy keeps things interesting. Recovery is not linear. It's not a line graph that only goes up or else it's considered a failure. Not in the slightest. It takes time and patience and it goes up and down and all over the place but recovery is recovery, no matter how small it is or how long it takes. Life goes on. That's pretty positive, ain't it? Love, Jess I haven't written on here as much as I would like to so here's a post. Today my blood felt heavy, like lead in my veins. My brain was running on a software that could process outside words and stimulus but was unable to create a real response and even taking in the voices of others had incredible reverb in my head so it took a moment to even register that words were being said. A better analogy would be that my brain was not a slow computer, but a rock sitting in my skull. It was just there while everything happened around it and it was weighing me down. My lead blood was pumping through my fingers that kept shaking and my heart was getting tired of pushing the blood around because it was not made to pump something so heavy. Each step not forced was simply autopilot and looking back on today, I don't remember much and it felt like a dream. And yet. I have a lot of trash on my floor in my car. I was going to clean it out but I was too heavy to move that much. But when I picked up my boyfriend before work, he had his drawstring bag with him and it was empty. "Sorry about the trash on the floor" I said. I apologize every time. "That's okay, I figured it would be there and that's why I have my bag to clean it up." That gesture, that thoughtfulness, I don't know. It hit me really hard. It's such an odd thing to remember and think to help me with, but as a person who suffers from depression, these little things mean so much. I had been meaning to clean up the trash but I was too sad and I felt guilty and apologized every time someone got in my car when it was still there. And he knew that and remembered and helped me clean it up. It's such a little thing but it meant the world to me. It may not have fixed my brain but I don't know. The thought of that and him makes me feel a little lighter. Love, Jess Got accepted to Doane (dream school)
Big scholarship to Doane (dream school) Have a job that I enjoy and do well at Have a hot wizard BF that makes me v happy Head choreographer for Addams Family Part in One Acts Costume Design Classes going well Taking college classes Hair always slaying Lots of big progress in brain stuff! Talented Smart Strong Damn Good Job Jess Yes, things are indeed still good. But, ya know, there's always a but. There's always a but.
I don't even know why I'm talking about or pursuing the great "Good" or the big "Happy." Nothing is perfect and there's always something to strive for so I don't know. Lots of things are really good but my own self-doubt continues to try to convince me that they are not. I'm in the baby stages of a relationship with a great amazing guy that I really really like but my brain tells me that I'm falling into my same patterns again. I'm going to get obsessive, I'm going to get too attached, I'm going to get too codependent. All the things I always do that make things go to shit. I'm trying really hard not to do those things but I don't know if I can break these bad habits. That's the self-doubt talking. Brain is telling me that I won't be able to break these habits and that it's all going to fall apart like it always does. But even so, there's progress right there! Me recognizing that it's the self-doubt telling me I can't get better. I am capable of healthy habits and patterns. It's 100% possible. I guess it's just hard to shake the constant dialogue where I feel like an outlier. It's hard to tell myself positive things when I always feel wrong, incorrect, out of place. I guess one coping mechanism I have is that I make the outlier-ness on purpose by just being my weird self, but it's still there. So, I guess things are good but there's always room for improvement. Always room for self-betterment. I am good. I am capable of healing. I am worth love and deserve love. My brain is telling me to apologize for saying "narcissistic bullshit" and posting it for everyone to see but I'm not going to apologize because I know that I don't need to. And that's another pinch of progress right there. Go Jess :). See ya next time Love, Jess |
JessWelcome to the quote "blog" unquote, written by me, Jess. |